Many of you may have already seen our post on social media back in July about Malcolm and I getting married. I wanted to share some of our day with you all, and how we even started to plan a wedding that would not only include Luca but make him feel relaxed and comfortable at the same time. This seemed like an impossible task at times!
So just for a bit of backstory, Malcolm and I met 15 years ago while we both worked as civil servants. Malcolm was tasked with training the new recruit and given that he didn’t look at me for the first 5 minutes, I could tell how thrilled he was with that job! Eventually he did look up, and although he says it was love at first sight for him, I was too livid to speak to him after being ignored and it took me a little longer haha!
Anyway, fast forward a year and we had just had Luca and we were trying to navigate life with a new baby who had some significant feeding difficulties (that’s a different blog) the worst of which lasted until he was 4. Luca now has a very limited diet, but at least its solid foods so we take that as a win! During those 4 years we did talk about marriage, and we actually got engaged too, but we agreed to have a long engagement while we concentrated on Luca and getting him the support he needed. We were spending all of our time trying to keep Luca fed and alive which was a constant (day and night) job. During that time we also realised that Luca was more than likely autistic and knew that diagnostic pathway would be our next hurdle. Luckily back then the wait times for assessment and diagnosis were not as long as they are now, and over the summer holidays when he was 4 years old, Luca was assessed by CAMHS weekly, and by the time the school started in September he had a diagnosis of ASD. Obviously, I am squeezing a lot in to just a few sentences, but in reality that took all of our focus and energy so marriage was definitely not on our radar.
After navigating the fight for suitable provision (first and secondary) as well as setting up Spectrum Holidays and dedicating our time to the charity, we realised that we are now in our mid 40’s and still hadn’t set a date!
Our first thought was Luca, and how he would cope with such a huge event and being such a big part of it. I really don’t think that we would have been able to get married when Luca was younger as he hadn’t developed the coping mechanisms or confidence that he has now (Thank you Kirsty Hunter for the outstanding drama lessons!)
Traditionally Luca has always become a “character” in social situations that he has felt uncomfortable in, but he wouldn’t always talk to anyone, or engage in anything around him. Of course, that would have been totally fine with us, but I wouldn’t want to put that much pressure on him and have him be at a wedding and surrounded by lots of new people who would possibly not have respected his space, or his need to be alone.
When we first spoke to Luca and told him that we wanted to set a date for the wedding, he straight away said that he would be going as “Sid the Destroyer” now, I am happy for him to be whoever he needs to be at any time, however that name did not fill me with confidence, and I felt the panic start to creep in! Also, I am the one that is usually tasked with creating these outfits and my sewing skills are not that great, so I felt a cold sweat coming on as I asked what Sid looked like… I felt no better after seeing the photo Luca presented me with. After a few days of blind panic, I popped my big girl pants back on and emailed a seamstress!
So, one less thing to worry about, other than making the mask which was actually the easiest part thankfully. Next, we had to think about venue. We wanted somewhere quite close to home as we already knew that Luca’s favourite person in the world (Luca’s granny) would be taking him home after the wedding breakfast and we didn’t want her to have to travel too far. We also wanted a venue that would be ours for the day/night so that Luca wouldn’t have to worry about being rushed out of one space to make way for another wedding, or having huge, noisy groups of people milling around. After visiting quite a few places in Northumberland, we decided on Horton Grange Country Park in Ponteland. The grounds and the home are stunning, and the staff were so accommodating and really wanted to make the day as easy for Luca as possible. They even arranged for his safe foods to be cooked along with the main wedding breakfast!
Ok, so Luca and venue sorted…next on the list was the hardest one for me personally, and that was photography! Very selfishly I almost made the decision to not have any photographer or videographer at all. This is such a huge thing for me, and my anxiety very nearly won. I was diagnosed with a disorder called Lipoedema, which I have had since I was 13 years old. Lipoedema is a chronic disorder of the connective adipose tissue, that almost exclusively affects women. It is characterised by a symmetrical, disproportionate distribution and build-up of abnormal fat that does not respond to diet or exercise. As I have had this for most of my life, I have it almost all areas of my body and the fear I feel having a camera pointed at me is awful. I really had to remember that this wedding was about more than me, it was also about Mal and Luca, and about celebrating our love and our family with those that mean the most to us. So I rang some photographers. I really didn’t know what style of photos I wanted as I have always run in the opposite direction to any camera anywhere near me, so I had to go with who I felt understood our family dynamic (Luca isn’t a fan of staged photos or standing for long periods of time waiting) and someone who was sympathetic to my intense fear of the camera. I did think at some points that I was asking for the impossible, but then I spoke to Ross, who immediately made me feel at ease and really listened to not only my fears, but asked lots of questions about our family, and why a wedding after 15 years together was something we wanted to do. He used all of that info to create some amazing ideas for the photography that really put me at ease. Ross spent all day and a lot of the night with us and I really didn’t even notice him there (Not in a bad way!) he was never pushy, or intrusive and Luca even allowed us a maximum of 5 photos as “Luca” (Without the mask)
Dress shopping was whole other issue for me, but I won’t bore you with that, other to say that I ended up with 2 dresses as I knew the huge white heavy daytime dress would get too much after a few hours! Luca’s outfit was sorted thank you to “Stitch It” in Gosforth who did an amazing job at all our alterations for the day, as well as the outstanding costume for Sid! The boys looked amazing and I was so proud of them all!
Around 10 months before the wedding, I was showing Luca some YouTube videos of weddings so that he could see what happens at each stage of the day. We came across one that included some singing waiters that were booked as a surprise for the couple. Luca loved it and thought it was really funny and asked if we could do that at ours. I suggested that we maybe do it as a surprise for everyone at the wedding (including his dad) and Luca agreed. I wasn’t sure how well he would keep the secret, but I really didn’t have to worry, he didn’t tell anyone. I spoke to a few different companies and eventually settled with Singers Secreto after chatting with them about the day and about Luca’s plans. They gave a list of different reveals that they offered so I took those back to Luca to choose one. Luca very much liked that idea of one of the “waiters” delivering a pizza to Sid the Destroyer, and Sid taking the pizza and walking out (With granny to go back home to his beloved Xbox!) It worked so well, and Luca really enjoyed it. We planned it so that after we can cut the cake, the “Waiter” would walk in to the room with a pizza box asking for someone called Sid the Destroyer. Luca then walked over to the waiter, said (fully in character) “I should think so, took you long enough!” took the box and walked out of the room with his granny. He was amazing! Luca also had a great idea for our seating plan. He suggested that he voice the sorting hat to tell people where to sit for the wedding breakfast. Mal set up his phone on the seating chart stand so that I could then video call from my phone and watch as people arrived. While Mal and the rest of our guests made their way through to the dining room, Luca and I stayed behind to watch them all try on the sorting hat, and Luca shouted Hogwarts Houses (Our table names) at them. Genius and very funny!
I also wanted to quickly address the “Why Harry Potter theme” questions.
I have not always found life easy, depression and self-hatred were a big part of my younger years and left me in a pretty bad place. For me, books were my escape, reading provided a safe haven away from my own thoughts and feelings, a place I could retreat to, and rest from the pain and sadness I felt. As a child I could pick up a book and escape to a totally different world and become anything I wanted to be. As I got older, and life through health issues my way, I always had my world of stories to escape to which gave a break from the pain and fatigue. and when the Harry Potter books were published, I instantly fell in love with the magic – literally! The underlying themes of the books are love and friendship which fitted perfectly with the theme of our day.
A special thank you to Northumberland registrars who knew about our theme and surprised us by brining props with them, including a wand which they used to announce us as husband and wife at the end of the ceremony!
Our day was so fantastic, and we definitely would not have even attempted to get married if Luca wasn’t able to be a part of our day in some way, and we are so grateful to all our suppliers that helped make it possible for him to be such a big part of it. Thank you to all the family and friends that came and celebrated with us and didn’t blink twice when Sid strolled down the aisle.
Huge thank you to:
C&G Cakes in Forest Hall for the amazing cake! https://www.candgcakes.com
Melanie Hedley – Best MUA ever. https://melaniehedley.co.uk
Kerry Wedding hair – Thank you for the extra trails and fixing my veil! https://www.facebook.com/kerryweddinghair
Gemma Connell for the amazing event dressing! https://www.facebook.com/gemmaconnellweddingandeventdressing/?locale=en_GB
Horton Grange Country House for the stunning venue. https://www.hortongrange.co.uk
Ross does photography for the beautiful images. https://www.rossdoesphotography.com
Singers Secreto – unreal singers! https://singerssecreto.com
Highway 21 – My family are still talking about this band! http://www.highway21.co.uk
My Northumberland Wedding – who’s registrars made the ceremony so special! https://www.mynorthumberlandwedding.co.uk
Also, I cannot recommend having a glitter station at your wedding enough! Our guests loved it and it was such a hit! Thank you Caitlin Warren! If anyone wants her info just let me know
Sorry if I have missed anyone!